Textling #16

Awake since 2.30 am, something in me rearing to go. Body said no. Brain not up to much either, but a word swam into consciousness (probably wearing water wings): layabout. Thought I’d look it up, found these heartening equivalents: deadbeat, slob, slug, sluggard, loafer, idler, lazybone. Lead-swinger! The latter sounds hard work (throw me an atom and I will have a go). Lazybone is almost tender; the others have a stink of condescension, derision, scorn, and I pinch my nose to no avail. Oh, and what about sloth – after all a mortal sin?

I do lie about a lot (and don’t lie about it, although I’d rather you thought I’m up and doing something). The problem is: these terms of ensnarement (and listening to the news) feed something in me that, despite better knowledge, feels along these lines, esp. now my faltering hands have dropped all making: that I am good for nothing (much), and that my place in the world is beleaguered. Shame is the operative word. And it swims without water wings.

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3 thoughts on “Textling #16

  1. aha you made me chuckle in the beginning. but not at the end. :(. Why the feeling of shame? I don’t quite understand it. I get frustration and even sorrow but why shame?? You have so much to show. I love the image of water wings, light, translucent and beautiful.

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  2. Dear red, dear consistent reader, I think shame is something a lot of chronically ill people struggle with at some stage. Not being able to fully engage with & participate in the world is hard! It’s exacerbated by negative attitudes in one’s environment. The atmosphere here&now is poisonous: strident cuts to benefits; it’s getting ever more difficult to be considered ‘entitled’; & the government (and some of the media) openly denigrate those who are unable to work, through the policies they create, and the language they use. Then there’s all the derogatory stuff that’s still spouted about M.E. in some quarters. When I’m at my most exhausted all this seeps into me – no defences.

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